Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

I've been thinkin a lot the last few days. Had some new information brought to my attention. Lots of family drama.

I've been thinking a lot about kevin and I. Things seem very possitive right now. I realize that with him I have the chance to start my own family. That I can live my life without repeating other peoples mistakes.

I knew when I first met him that he was the person that would give me an actual chance at happiness. I may have made some mistakes before but they all led up to this. I know now that I don't care about anything before him and I don't think I need anything after.

Time has worn all my other relationships thin. It has torn them apart and made all their flaws obvious. I have seen all my past mistakes and wrong doings through different eyes. Things finally seem ready to come together.

I'm ready to put the past away and see the future. I'm ready to live the life I deserve with the person I deserve. I've finally found the one that makes me better, instead of cinstantly making things worse. I had to be ready to deal with my problems and short comings before I could get here. Before kevin and I could get here.

He and I have grown together in ways I never would have expected. It's so great when you realize that the person you love has made you a better person without having to do anything but be himself. I can only hope he believes the same about me.

I've watched time and forgiveness make his love grow. I see how he's changed. I feel like I am his chance to be truly happy without any of the bullshit people are SUPPOSED to want. He has shown me that I can do more than I expected and that I should want more than my low standards have made me settle for in the past.

People constantly tell me that we talk too much, and that we never leave each other alone. The fact is that he really is my friend. Beyond my love for him as my lover, my love for him as my friend never stops growing.

I've never really seen time make something grow this way. It's usually been the protagonist to death and deterioration. This gives me so much hope for what we can accomplish in the future.

I hope things continue to go well till he's finally home this summer and really start our life without anything to come between us :)

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If I survive this, I'll be amazed.

Old stirrings won't stop. The kind of flutters that scare me the most. The kind that make me forget to breathe. Panic attacks. I wish I trusted myself enough to know when to listen. To know when they were more than my ridiculous hormones.

I refuse to restart the cycle. I want happiness and if that means being alone again, it's a choice I will gladly make. It's not as if I'll be lonely for long.

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My life is a rollercoaster lately...

It seems the thing I want the most is constantly out of reach.

It teases me. I paw and paw at it but all I do is bat it away.

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Finally getting to be in the place I've been dreaming about was so nice. Being in that safe little spot in between your arms reminded me why I always wait.
Finally getting to see your smile and be the one to put it on your face was better than I thought. I don't know why I love it so much but it's what always keeps me coming back.
Finally getting a little wrestling out of the way was fun as hell. Even if I did get some rug burn, you got beat with a flip flop. Fuck yes.

I just wish the answers were clearer. I'm afraid I'll never really know quite what to do with you. I feel like I can't be without you. Well, that's a lie. I could be but things wouldn't be nearly as interesting!